As you may have heard, I recently underwent a procedure to improve my previously shitty condition. A cranio-rectal emersion (known in layman’s terms as removing one’s head from one’s ass), can be a painful process. This is typically only done for those poor unfortunate souls who are so far in they can see their lunch being digested. Such was my condition and that’s precisely why I won’t be eating at Taco Bell again anytime soon.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: I would apologize for the potty humor this far, but it is a fair warning to you as the content in this post will be along that same vein. If you can’t deal with the shit, this booty is not for you.
Alright, now that we’ve gotten rid of the fecophobic people, let’s get into our topic today. So I mentioned the procedure that I underwent and non-surprising it was poop that pulled me out of my predicament. Let me explain the story to give you some context.
I was taking my dog through the local dog park to relieve himself (I won’t go into detail). As I was walking around the dog park and thinking to myself, I heard a still small voice ask me a question*. From that question, the voice and I began a conversation which I will paraphrase here:.
Voice: Why are you here?
Me: Well that’s an awfully large question.
Voice: No, not in existential terms but in real terms…why are you where you are right now?
Me: Here? In the dog park?
Me: Well, I’m here to let my dog take care of his business.
Voice: “Take care of his business”? That’s an interesting way of putting it. What business is your dog here to take care of?
Me: Well, he’s here to relieve himself.
Voice: “Relieve himself”? Now that’s another interesting way of putting it. Is relieving himself, or taking care of business, something that you dog needs to do?
Me: Well yes.
Voice: What would happen if your dog didn’t “relieve himself”?
Me: Well, I would imagine he would get backed up, it would come out anyway and it would damage his internal organs both before and after it came out.
Voice: Now that is interesting. Do you do this “taking care of business” too?
Me: Do I? Yes I do, just not in public.
Voice: Not in public? Why not?
Me: Why not? What kind of question is that? Because I’m human and we have codes of civility and public decency which don’t allow for that kind of thing. Not to mention, I would just be embarrassed to do it.
Voice: “Embarrassed”? You are full of interesting phrases today. Ok, so your human codes of civility and public decency won’t allow you to take care of business…publicly?
Me: That’s right, I relieve myself privately so as not to embarrass myself or others
Voice: So is it safe to say that you cover your ass so as not to be em-bare-assed?
Me: That’s a pretty cheeky pun, but yes you could say that is true.
Voice: Touche, but let me ask you this…where does this relief come from? What is it that the act does that causes relief?
Me: (thinking) Well, poop is the remnant of what your body can’t or isn’t using. It is the waste product left over from what is useful when you eat or drink.
Voice: So this waste product is not useful to your body?
Me: That’s right
Voice: …and if you leave it in you it could cause you damage internally?
Me: That’s also right
Voice: So let me ask you this? When is the last time that you pooped?
At this point I saw the letters (P.o.o.P.) in front of me*
Me: I don’t see where this is going but I don’t really feel like answering that question.
Voice: Well, you have already stated that P.o.o.P. is a waste product of what you have consumed and is no longer useful, right?
Voice: So you have consumed life before now right?
Voice: So when are you going to P.o.o.P.?
Me: You mean get rid of the stuff that is no longer useful to me?
Voice: Now you’re getting it
Me: You clearly mean something more than what you’re saying on the surface to let’s be plain
Voice: Ok, in order to speak plain let me explain what P.o.o.P. stands for. It stands for “Put out of Perspective”
Me: Oh? Now this is starting to make some sense
Voice: Yeah, so your perspective is how you see the world. If you have wasteful stuff in your perspective, it is blocking you from seeing what is really in your world.
Me: So I’m looking out of smudged glasses?
Voice: It could be, but if you don’t get rid of what isn’t useful to you anymore, you may not be able to see anything but the waste
Me: I bet that would produce a shitty outlook on life
Voice: Yeah, it stinks.
Voice: So when are you going to P.o.o.P.?
Me: Oh I’ll take care of it when I go back inside.
Voice: Why inside? Are you afraid of being em-bare-assed again?
Me: Well, yeah…wouldn’t you be?
Voice: Why should I be? I’ve got nothing to hide and all anyone would see is what God gave me?
Me: And the waste? You wouldn’t be bothered by your waste being seen by others?
Voice: Why should I be bothered if people see what I’m leaving behind? It didn’t serve me before and it won’t be in my life going forward, so it’s just a point in time. Here for an instant and gone forever.
Me: Ahh, I see. I don’t know that I could be brave enough to just put my waste out there like that but I think I see where you’re going.
Voice: As long as you see that, you’re on the right path.
Me: Good to know and thanks for explaining some real shit.
Voice: Don’t miss the point here, I was explaining how to get rid of real shit, so you can get on with real life.
At this point I went to my dog and gave him a big hug. I’m sure he chalked that up to another crazy quirk of his human companion, but he wagged his tail and we took care of business together.
* Some of you may have noticed the voice and vision in this story. While some might explain this away as hallucination, internal dialogue, psychotic manifestation, or simply a visit from The Flying Spaghetti Monster, that is not my belief. I belief that I have conversations with God via the Holy Spirit. It is the Holy Spirit that imparts God’s wisdom to me and, at least in my experience, it doesn’t get bogged down in thus, thine and therewith. I don’t speak the King’s (James, not LeBron or Elvis) English and so the Holy Spirit doesn’t speak it with me. You are welcome to believe what you will, but I am attempting this em-bare-assing moment because I’ve got to get this shit out of my life. You choose how you relieve yourself on your own terms.