I am, and always have been, a lump of clay. Dense, dull, and soft. Purposeless, except by shaping. Formless, except by shaping. Useless, except by purpose and form. I have been shaped and molded by each and every person that has come into my life. They have added to me or taken from me and I have been rendered anew again and again and again. I have taken many different forms, done many different things, looked many different ways for the many different nouns in my life. I have touched and been touched, felt and been felt, mended and broken, covered and revealed both myself and those around me. I have been guide to those who asked and guided by those I have asked and now I must guide myself.
I have made choices…to love, to sire, to work, to live (better). I have guides but those guides can show me how they want me to be but not how I should be that. I guide others but those others can tell me what they want to be shown but not how to show it. I heal and hurt, touch and feel, mend and break the purposes and forms and uses that I once had to mold and be molded into the choices that I have made. To do that I must move beyond what I have been. To do that I must move beyond the roles that I have allowed myself to be placed in. To do that I must move beyond the forms that I have allowed myself to take. To do that I must shake, shape or sever relationships that I have fostered. To do that I must cut away that which will neither fit nor fold.
I have to tell you, it hurts. It is one thing to be shaped by others and say that’s how it is supposed to be because you are not responsible for the pain. It is one thing to be painted with another’s brush because you are not responsible for the colors. It is one thing to be used by and use others by their instruction because you are not responsible for the outcome. It is completely another to not be. It is completely another to be responsible. Why? Because I’m hurting myself.
I’m taking away lust to make room for love. No more sudden bouts of heat followed by intense desire culminated with fiery passion with someone I know nothing about. Now I know the good the bad and the ugly and love on. I force myself to let go of or forget the annoyances, slights, and injuries to leave a clear path for my love to get to you.
I’ve never let go of annoyances, slights and injuries. They’ve been my guideposts for telling me who to care for and who to spend time with. I’ve taken those signs down but I must remove the guideposts and IT HURTS.
I’m taking away ambition for contentment. No more trampling over people’s ideas because I have better and I can claim the adulation and the reward for myself. Now I am part of a team and those other people’s ideas are a part of my team, which I have to support anyway. I bite my tongue over petty grievances to keep the peace. I move away to make a way, when I have to. I try hard not to dominate conversations and let other people’s ideas come through. I try to listen more than I talk.
I’ve never held my tongue or avoided confrontation with anyone. A sharp tongue and a confrontational manner are two of the main tools that have gotten me to where I am professionally. I am biting my tongue and walking away until they become habit and IT HURTS.
I’m taking away interrogation for passive conversation. No more firing questions at people from all angles to get to the answers I want. No more badgering people with statements that twist or contradict their position faster than they can process. Now I’m learning to take a passive approach and let people come to me, if they come to me, with their position.
I’ve never been anything less than aggressive about my curiosities and people have always been my greatest curiosity. I want to know. I want to know now. I want to impress upon you what I know. I want to know you and I want to be right and I want it right now. I am trying to learn patience and back off and IT HURTS.
I’m taking away indulgence for moderation. No more sating my lusts for booze, smoke, food, buying luxuries and travel at any time, in any way, whenever I want. No more drinking until I black out. No more pack a day smoking. No more eating greasy, fatty, rich, decadent food from all manner of restaurant 4-6 days a week. No more buying the newest music, game, clothes, gadget just because it’s cool and I want it. No more picking up and traveling to a new place on a moment’s notice just because I’m tired of being where I am. I’m learning to moderate these addictions in order to live in better health, with more wealth, and in this place.
I’ve never denied myself anything. I spent way too long doing without, living without, being without that I deserve the luxury and leisure that I can now afford. I deserve Fettuccine Alfredo with Bacon sipping Chardonnay while smoking a menthol in different cities, with different people for having made it this far. I know that my health and wealth are intricately tied to my indulgences and I can’t maintain either for long at the levels I have indulged. I live with but constantly deny my indulgences and IT HURTS.
I grow tired of hurting myself. I grow weary of even trying anymore. I shape myself and one person says it’s too much while another says it’s not enough. I mold myself and it’s too quick for some and too slow for others. I transform myself through trimming, molding, spinning, firing, painting, and re-firing and I’m not done yet. But still, I just want to cool off. The choices that I have made are due to the things that I want. We want the same things…what I was along with what I will be. What I will be…will be. It’s not what I am now. I am clay fighting my shaping. I am clay shaping myself. I am clay being shaped. I am in pain. I am in transition. I’m done fighting it.
© 2012 His-Stor-E